It Tastes Like Burning...

I reluctantly went to a luau party in the rain Saturday night. There was a steel drum band and a fire eater. Guess which one set themselves on fire. Amazingly, my friend Kelly was recording at the time and caught it all on film.

This video is no joke and a little graphic, so put the women and children to bed before you go lookin for dinner. Enjoy.

UPDATE: Minutes before posting this to my own site we made the front page of break.com. This is the proudest day of my life.


Dumb Fire Juggler Gets Burned - Watch more Funny Videos

Bye, Plax

Famous dumbass and former Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress is staring at 2 years in prison for shooting himself in the leg. Had he just gotten drunk and killed a man with his car, he could have gotten off with 30 days like Donte Stallworth.

I bet right now Plax is regretting the hundreds of thousands of dollars in fines he racked up while playing for the Giants. If he had the cash on hand, apparently he could have just paid his way out of jail.

As much as I hated the guy for ruining the Giants 2008 run in the playoffs, I'm a big fan of letting him off with time served. There's not much more embarrassing or painful than accidentally shooting yourself in front of a bunch of your friends.

This got me thinking, if Plax got 2 years for shooting himself in a club, what did the guy below get for shooting himself in a classroom? Death?

Swan Dive

For most of the summer we have been going out for Sunday funday's on my friend Paul's boat. There's been some bruises, sunburns, hangovers...and this. The one Sunday I decided to stay home and nurse my head splitting hangover they thought it would be a good idea to have some fun with the local swan population.

Enjoy, and please keep in mind they didn't hurt any of the animals or attempt to hurt them. I really don't care to hear anyone whine.

AOTS + Hot Chicks = Love

Around this time last year I became a loyal DVRer of Attack of the Show. It was Olivia Munn that got me hooked, but I knew there was more. Perhaps it was my love of gadgetry. Maybe it had something to do with my being a lifelong gamer. Possibly it touched on my secret love of all things Sci-Fi and nerdy.

Actually, I'm pretty sure it had me at hot chicks. With a constantly revolving cast, AOTS is always full of hot girl surprises and has no problem celebrating their hotness. From Olivia's French maid pie swim to Carissa Walford's bikini moments, I never miss recording an episode.

Sadly, I've watched the show so much that I've convinced myself that there actually are model-hot women wandering around that are actually in to video games, ninjas, technology and Sci-Fi. The kid in me still thinks this is possible, but the adult in me says I'm a moron.

If you're still not watching AOTS, here's a bit of what you're missing out on:

Layla Kayleigh

Annoyingly Layla has left the show to pursue other avenues of her career. That other avenue seems to be a crappy dance show on MTV. Lets all hope she comes to her senses and leaves the queen of scripted reality TV.

Alison Haislip


She's girl next door cute and knows how to wield a real life chain gun. She races cars, she talks tech and seems to actually enjoy the crazy locations The Show sends her off to. Even though she's 28, my former roommate Chris would always yell "John! That 17 year old that you like is on again!" Naturally confusion would ensue.

Morgan Webb

Morgan is proof that at least once in your life the chick you're playing Call of Duty with may actually be as hot as she says. She's the cute as hell hostess of G4's XPlay, a show dedicated to video games, but pops up often during the Morgan Minute video game segment and occasionally as a guest host.

Sara Jane Underwood

Yeah, in case you missed it, 2007's Playmate of the Year was a guest host on AOTS this week. It took some real effort on my part to not post a nude of her, but I'm just gonna go ahead and save all those for later. Awesomely enough, she seemed to really enjoy her stint on the show and I can only hope she comes back for more..or shows up at my house to talk about this paragraph.

Carissa Walford

Attack of the Show - Carissa Walford's Bikini On Attack of the Show

Sure I could have posted another pic, but with such a perfectly representative clip readily available, I couldn't resist. Carissa was a recent week long reminder that Australia is kind of awesome. And in every single episode they found a way for her to school us on Australia in nothing but a bikini. It was glorious.

There's always new beautiful women cropping up on the show, so start watching! Oh, and there's Kevin Pereira.

Michael Vick - Philly - D-bags

In breaking news, well known dog killer and part time NFL quarterback Michael Vick has just signed a two year deal with the Philadelphia Eagles. While Vick is surely celebrating his return to professional football, the people of Philly are most definitely celebrating their status as a lock in the top three most hated sports cities.

It's only fitting that the city of brotherly D-bags is backing up a quarterback that doesn't know the rules of football with one that doesn't know the rules of America.

Sorry Philly, six months out of the year you and I can be friends, but with preseason football underway I just can't be seen with you.

www.fivemartinilunch.com

I'm trying to be more committed to writing on here. To show my dedication I went out and finally bought www.fivemartinilunch.com. I had tried to do this over and over again for years but some cock had bought up the domain name (as well as all other variations of it) and was just squatting. I was flattered that someone found my site and thought it was good enough that I'd pay them a sum of money for the .com address. Obviously they had no idea how cheap and lazy I can be.

So to my ten loyal readers, and anyone that's linked to me, please update your links to reflect the change. For the time being the old address will still work, but I may start making sweeping changes that involve my leaving Blogger. Of course that could take two years.

Random thoughts on Tuesday:

• One of my greatest fears is getting pooped on by a bird.
• From a distance, Tapout window stickers look a lot like butterflies. For a while I thought Tapout was some kind of franchised MMA gym. Turns out it's the No Fear of the late 2000's.
  
• I've come to the conclusion that Twitter is a giant creativity sucking vacuum. Rather than having a thought, writing it down and elaborating on it until I have something worthwhile, I've been cramming the whole thing into 140 characters. Originally I signed up and didn't tell any friends so that I could use it as an online confessional. I think I'll go back to that, I just have to keep from confessing things about the friends that know I have a Twitter account.
• Not that I really care because the movie was awful, but why is the always attractive Kristen Stewart a random extra for ten seconds at the end of Jumper? Had they planned on making a sequil with her in it or did she just need like twenty grand for a new car and take the gig?
  
  

The 97.5 Million Dollar Handoff Man

By now anyone that knows anything about sports has heard that Eli Manning is the new highest paid player in the NFL. With a whopping 97.5 million dollar contract in the works, the NY Giants have locked Eli in as their fearless leader for the next six years.

As a steadily improving Giants fan, I took this as fantastic news. It means I'll never have to worry about seeing Michael Vick wearing glorious Giants blue. But I'm left with one big, fat, burning question: Who the fuck is Eli going to throw the ball to?

We now have a 16.25 million dollar per year hand off machine with semi-shaky aim throwing the football to a corp of freshman and sophomore receivers. I sure hope the Giants have some kind of plan I don't know about. Of course the last time I was worried about the Giants in the preseason they won the Super Bowl.

Well shit, I for one am ready for some football!